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Post by pepecura on Mar 22, 2012 13:04:21 GMT 2
hahaha
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Post by james on Mar 22, 2012 21:22:57 GMT 2
A man is at a bar, having some drinks. After a couple hours he's pretty drunk and starts to feel like he's going to be sick. He rushes into the bathroom but doesn't quite make it to a sink in time and pukes all over his shirt.
As he's slouched against the wall trying to clean his shirt off with wet paper towels, another man comes in the bathroom.
The drunk says to the other in a slurred voice, "Maaan my (hiccup) wife issh gonna (hiccup) kill me!"
The other man says to the drunk, "Listen, what you need to do is put a twenty dollar bill in your shirt pocket. When you come home tell your wife that some drunk guy puked on you and gave you the twenty to pay for the cleaning bill."
The drunk says, "Shay! Thas a great idea! Thans misser!"
The drunk finishes wiping the puke off his shirt and puts a twenty in his breast pocket. Feeling relieved about the situation and also feeling a little better, the man leaves the bathroom and has a couple more drinks.
Later that night the drunk staggers in the door to find his wife waiting up for him.
As soon as she sees him she starts yelling at him, "Look at you! You're a mess, you lousy drunk! How many times have I told you not to go out and get drunk like this? Who is going to clean that shirt?"
"Look hon, you got it all wrong. Thish guy at the bar, he pukes all over me and he givesh me twenty bucks to pay the cleaning bill," the drunk says to her while pointing at his breast pocket.
"Oh really?" she says, "Then what is the other twenty for?"
"Oh, thas from the guy that shit in my pants!"
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Post by pepecura on Mar 23, 2012 10:42:45 GMT 2
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Post by Grecian on Mar 23, 2012 20:42:21 GMT 2
Shocking, James!
A woman gives birth to a baby, and afterwards, the doctor comes in and he says, "I have to tell you something about your baby."
The woman sits up in bed and says, "What's wrong with my baby doctor? What's wrong?"
The doctor says, "Well, now, nothing's wrong, exactly, but your baby is a little bit different. Your baby is a hermaphrodite."
The woman is confused. "A hermaphrodite..... what's that?"
The doctor replies, "Well, it means your baby has the.......er......features....of a male and a female."
The woman turns pale. She says, "Oh MY GOD! you mean it has a penis..... AND a brain.
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Post by happytraveller on Mar 23, 2012 21:03:30 GMT 2
Hehehehe !
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Post by auntieannie on Mar 23, 2012 22:41:36 GMT 2
have to copy that one, TM!
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Post by pepecura on Mar 24, 2012 10:24:00 GMT 2
NOT !
;D
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Post by Grecian on Mar 27, 2012 18:45:30 GMT 2
A man walks into a Chemists and wanders up & down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter. She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?" He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a packet of cigarettes and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers....; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.".....
"So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she." ....
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Post by james on Mar 27, 2012 20:59:35 GMT 2
Father Delany was walking home after his sermon late one night when he came upon this intoxicated tramp on the sidewalk. Wanting to help, he asked the man, "Do you live here?"
"Yesh," the man slowly replied.
"Would you like me to help you upstairs?" the father asked.
"Yesh," the man slowly sputtered.
When they got up on the second floor he asked, "Is this your floor?"
"Yesh," again the man replied.
Then Father Delany got to thinking that maybe he didn't want to face the man's irate wife because she may think he was the one who got the man drunk. So, he opened the first door he came to and shoved him through it, then went back downstairs.
But lo and behold when he went back outside, there was another tramp lying on the sidewalk. So he asked that man, "Do you live here?"
"Yesh."
"Would you like me to help you upstairs?"
"Yesh."
So he did and put him in the same door with the first tramp. Then went back downstairs, where, to his surprise, there was another tramp.
So he started over to him. But before he got to him, the tramp staggered over to a policeman and cried, "For God's sake, offisher, protect me from thish man. He'sh been doing nothing all night long but takin' me upstairsh and throwing me down the elevator shaft!"
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Post by Grecian on Mar 27, 2012 23:13:46 GMT 2
james?...I like you and would have your Babies but?....
Keep the Fuckers Short?...
FFS!
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Post by happytraveller on Mar 28, 2012 7:50:25 GMT 2
Naaa keep them long James, I like them like this.
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Post by Grecian on Mar 28, 2012 18:49:07 GMT 2
Naaa keep them long James, I like them like this. Pffnneerr! HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MANTake off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile. Stagger, naked to the bathroom. If you see wife/Partner along the way, shake Knob at her making the woo-woo sound. Admire the size of your Knob and scratch your arse. Get in the shower. Wash your face. Wash your armpits. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off. Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower. Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area. Wash your arse leaving those coarse arse hairs stuck on the soap. Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk. Have a pi55... Rinse off and get out of shower. Partially dry off. Fail to notice the water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time. Admire Knob size in mirror again. Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, and light and fan on. Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass wife/Partner, pull off towel, shake knob at her and make the woo-woo sound again. Throw wet towel on bed and leave it there.
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Post by happytraveller on Mar 28, 2012 18:53:06 GMT 2
;D
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ruthee
Happy Potters
Posts: 930
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Post by ruthee on Mar 28, 2012 21:08:53 GMT 2
Jack and Jill were getting married.
Jack was talking to his dad about the marriage when his dad says, "I remember when your mom and I got married. I took off my pants, gave them to her, and told her to put them on."
"I can't wear these," she said.
"Darn right," he said, "I wear the pants in this family, and you'd better remember that."
"I think I'll try that on Jill," Jack said.
He went to Jill, took off his pants, and gave them to her.
"Put these on," he said.
Jill replied, "I can't wear these."
"Darn right. I wear the pants in this family and you'd better remember that," he said.
Then Jill took off her panties, gave them to him, and told him to put them on.
"I can't get in to these," he said.
"Darn right," Jill said. "And if you don't change your attitude you never will!"
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Post by Grecian on Mar 28, 2012 21:37:46 GMT 2
Arf arf!!
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Post by james on Mar 30, 2012 23:04:54 GMT 2
Two guys in a bar are discussing "positions" so one tells the other, "Well my favorite is the rodeo!"
and the other says, "What's the rodeo?"
"well, first you get your wife down and start to do her doggy style, then when you're halfway done, you bend over and whisper in her ear, 'you know, this is your sister's favorite position too' and then try to hold on for 8 seconds!
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Post by Ethel Mertz on Mar 30, 2012 23:54:30 GMT 2
Tony was 9 years old and was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He'd been playing outside with the other kids, when he came into the house and asked her, 'Grandma, what's that called when two people sleep in the same bedroom and one is on top of the other?' She was a little taken aback, but she decided to tell him the truth. 'Well, dear, it's called sexual intercourse. Oh,? Little Tony said, 'OK,' and went back outside to play with the other kids. A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, 'Grandma, it isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds. And Jimmy's mom wants to talk to you.'
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Post by happytraveller on Mar 31, 2012 10:18:30 GMT 2
Bwhahaha !
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Post by Grecian on Mar 31, 2012 20:38:53 GMT 2
Not a bad un for you, Eth'!
WHY IT'S GREAT TO BE A BLOKE
Your ass is never a factor in a job interview. - Your orgasms are real. Always. - Your last name stays put. - The garage is all yours. - Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow. - Wedding plans take care of themselves. - You don't have to curl up next to a hairy ass every night. - Chocolate is just another snack. - Foreplay is optional. - You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting laid. - Car mechanics tell you the truth. - You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut. - The world is your urinal. - Hot wax never comes near your pubic area. - Same work... more pay. - Wrinkles add character. - You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments. - Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100. - People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them. - Princess Di's death was just another obituary. - The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. - New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. - Porn movies are designed with you in mind. - Not liking a person does not preclude having great sex with them. - Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So, notice anything different?" - One mood, all the time.
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Post by kerouac2 on Mar 31, 2012 21:26:49 GMT 2
Doctor: I have bad news. You have cancer and you also have Alzheimer's.
Patient: Well, at least I don't have cancer.
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Post by Grecian on Apr 1, 2012 20:42:52 GMT 2
Can you repeat that?
I don't get it...
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Post by kerouac2 on Apr 1, 2012 22:38:10 GMT 2
Doctor: I have bad news. You have cancer and you also have Alzheimer's.
Patient: Well, at least I don't have cancer.
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Post by Grecian on Apr 2, 2012 20:09:49 GMT 2
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Post by kerouac2 on Apr 2, 2012 21:44:21 GMT 2
We're not getting anywhere, are we?
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Post by Grecian on Apr 3, 2012 18:19:51 GMT 2
Where?
As it's been BBQ weather in Royal Devonshire this last week, I thought that I'd sum up a typical BBQ and how ungrateful females can be on their 'night off' of cooking! It's the only type of cooking a "real" man will do. When a man volunteers to do such cooking, the following chain of events is put into motion.
(1) The woman goes to the shops.
(2) The woman fixes the salad, vegetables, and dessert.
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils, and takes it to the man, who is by the BBQ drinking a beer. The Coals are barely warm....
(4) The man places the meat on the grill.
(5) The woman goes inside to set the table and check the vegetables.
(6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning.
(7) The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman.
(8) The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the table.
(9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
(10) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off."
And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women and that a shag's out of the question!
There's no pleasing them!
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Post by happytraveller on Apr 3, 2012 19:20:12 GMT 2
Geez... thank eff my man is a little different !
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Post by Grecian on Apr 3, 2012 22:08:30 GMT 2
Who mentioned small Cocks??
(I reckon Mockers can relate to the BBQ above?...)
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Post by james on Apr 6, 2012 16:30:46 GMT 2
Three old men are talking about their aches, pains and bodily function's. One seventy year old man says, "I have this problem. I wake up every morning at seven and it takes me twenty minutes to pee."
An eighty year old man says, "My case is worse. I get up at eight and I sit there and grunt and groan for half an hour before I finally have a bowel movement."
The ninety year old man says, "At seven I pee like a horse, at eight I crap like a cow."
"So what's your problem?" asked the others.
"I don't wake up until nine!" he replied.
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Post by Grecian on Apr 8, 2012 21:55:45 GMT 2
As it's The Masters; Last Round...You Laydees woukld have no Fucking Idea about that...Oh well...
I was giving this rather nice blonde a few Golfing lessons last week and she went orf to play her first round; ever.. She was stung by a bee and raced back to the Clubhouse to find me... I asked where the bee stung her?.... She replied "Between the 1st and 2nd hole".......... I nodded... and advised her that her legs were too far apart!.....
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Post by james on Apr 21, 2012 12:01:31 GMT 2
Boy drops girl at home, he puts his hand on the wall by the gate for support, leans towards her and says "Can I kiss you"? Girl; Not now, I'm at home Boy; please Girl ; No Boy; you were a tigress in bed today Girl: woah! You too, full of energy. I could not believe we had 4 rounds. Boy: let me kiss you goodnight Girl: someone may be watching, they still think I'm a virgin at home. This goes on for 10 mins Then girl's lil brother appears at the gate and says; "Dad says whether you kiss him or not its your decision, but tell that bastard to remove his hand from the intercom button, everyone at home is listening to your conversation!
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