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Post by Grecian on Apr 21, 2012 22:35:48 GMT 2
WTF is '4 Rounds'?...
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Post by Baz Faz on Apr 24, 2012 8:51:19 GMT 2
A four year old boy is having a bath and he points at his balls. "Mummy, are these my brains?"
"Not yet," she replies.
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Post by Grecian on Apr 24, 2012 19:43:47 GMT 2
Just for you, Baz!
During WW2, the French resistance fighters, in their finest hour, bravely threw sticks of dynamite at the advancing German troops. The Germans then lit them and threw them back!
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Post by james on Apr 24, 2012 20:54:18 GMT 2
Steve, Bob and Jeff are working on a very high scaffolding. Suddenly, Steve falls off. He is killed instantaneously. After the ambulance leaves with Steve's body, Bob and Jeff realize they'll have to inform his wife.
Bob says he's good at this sort of sensitive stuff, so he volunteers to do the job.
After two hours he returns, carrying a six-pack of beer. "So did you tell her?" asks Jeff.
"Yep", replies Bob.
"Say, where did you get the six-pack?"
Bob informs Jeff. "She gave it to me."
"WHAT?" exclaims Jeff. "You just told her her husband died and she gave you a six-pack?"
"Sure," Bob says.
"Why?" asks Jeff.
"Well," Bob continues, "When she answered the door, I asked her, 'are you Steve's widow?' 'Widow?' she said, 'No, no, you're mistaken, I'm not a widow!' So I said: "I'll bet you a six-pack you ARE!'"
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Post by james on Apr 24, 2012 20:55:04 GMT 2
A man was waiting for his wife to give birth when the doctor came in and informed the new dad that his son was born without a torso, arms, or legs. The son had only a head! But the dad loved his son anyway, and raised him as well as he could, with love and compassion.
After 21 years, the son was old enough for his first drink. Dad took him to the bar and tearfully told the son he was proud of him. Then Dad ordered up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously, and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy took his first sip of alcohol.
Swoooop! A torso popped out of the bottom of the son's head! The bar was deadly silent; then burst into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begged his son to drink again. The patrons began chanting, "Take another drink!" The bartender stood still, shaking his head in amazement.
Swoooop! Two arms popped out. The bar went wild. The father, crying and wailing, cried for his son to drink again. The patrons continued their chant: "Take another drink!"
But the bartender turned his back at this point, ignoring the whole affair.
By now the boy was getting tipsy, but with his new hands he reached down, grabbed his drink, and guzzled the last of it. Swoooop! Two legs popped out.
By now the bar was in chaos, with the father on his knees, thanking God. The boy stood up on his new legs and stumbled to the left, then to the right, then right through the front door, and into the street, where a truck ran smack into him, killing him instantly.
The bar fell silent. The father began to softly moan in grief. The bartender picked up the boy's empty glass, and began to clean it, muttering, "That boy should have quit while he was a head."
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Post by Grecian on Apr 25, 2012 19:10:51 GMT 2
The first one's a shocker, James!
The 2nd one is is a defo' case of 'I'll get yer coat!'
One joke from memory here...
2 Irish navvies - you may have to look up that term - were working on a building site and O'Donnal was climbing up the ladders when a slate fell off the roof and sliced his ear off...
His mate, O'Flannery, searches around and holds up an ear to O'Donnal and says "Is this your ear?"
O'Donnal replies "No! Mine had a pencil behind it!"
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Post by james on Apr 29, 2012 23:09:29 GMT 2
A daughter asked her dad "Dad there is something that my boyfriend said
to me, that I didn't understand. He said that I have a beautiful
chassis, 2 lovely airbags and a fantastic bumper."
Dad says "You tell your boyfriend that if he opens your bonnet and pulls
out his dipstick to check the oil, I will give him such a service that
his motor will cease and his exhaust will fall off"
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Post by mockchoc on Apr 30, 2012 2:09:04 GMT 2
Who mentioned small Cocks?? (I reckon Mockers can relate to the BBQ above?...) Yeah I can relate to the BBQ but that is only because I want to and trust me I wouldn't if I didn't want to.  |
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Post by Grecian on Apr 30, 2012 23:40:59 GMT 2
I've just thought.....
Is a Kindle so named as the only thing the Fucking Shite is good for is starting a fire?
Only asking....
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Post by Grecian on Jul 12, 2012 21:17:56 GMT 2
Family of 4 driving up the Motorway...husband and wife and 2 young kids - 5 and 7..
They are following a lorry when the back of the lorry swings open and a large Dildo hits their car smack on the windscreen....
To calm the kids and stop any embarrassing questions, the mum says..
"Don't worry - that was a rather large insect.."
The youngest, from the back seat , aged 5, shouts "With a Cock that big, I'm surprised that the insect could fly!.."
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Post by pepecura on Jul 13, 2012 10:23:06 GMT 2
a-ha ! I know that boy !
Once he was walking around with his dad, he saw a rabbit is climbing on another rabbit, holding it and making some back and forward moves there.
Asked his dad " hey daddy, what are those rabbits doing ? " ...dad says,
" Ah, nothing son just playing and joking each other "
and the boy says " well...he is joking and that but at the same time giving a good eff indeed eh?!..."
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Post by Grecian on Jul 27, 2012 12:48:45 GMT 2
A topical joke!
...A reporter meets a man carrying an eight-foot-long metal stick and asks:
“Are you a pole vaulter?”
“No,” says the man, “I’m German...... But how did you know my name is Walter?”
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Post by Grecian on Aug 23, 2012 19:57:20 GMT 2
Last night I had a word with the Missus. She want's to splash out on a b00b job to make them Bigger!
I told her to save the money and all she has to do is rub toilet paper between them - twice a day...
She said that there was no way that would work!
I said that it had worked for her butt cheeks over the last few years!
Shall I get my coat?
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Post by Baz Faz on Sept 16, 2012 16:30:31 GMT 2
A widow and a widower finally decided to get married. They discussed which house to live, finances, what sort of wedding, prenuptial contracts.
Finally he said, "Now what about sex?"
She told him, "I like it infrequently."
He thought a bit and asked, "Is that one word or two?"
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Post by Grecian on Sept 16, 2012 19:49:37 GMT 2
Groan ...!
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Post by james on Sept 18, 2012 20:41:38 GMT 2
A thief broke into my house last night...
He started searching for money....
So i woke up and searched with him.
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Post by Grecian on Sept 19, 2012 18:45:21 GMT 2
Not bad!
Just started going out with a woman who supports Plymouth Argyle.
Last night she gave me an amazing blow job
I asked" Christ! How did you learn to do that so well?"
"My dad didn't have any arms"....
I'll get me coat!
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Post by james on Sept 20, 2012 19:10:16 GMT 2
A Chinese woman went for an interview
Interviewer: Give me a sentence using the following words.... Green, Pink, Yellow, Blue, White, Black and Purple.
Chinese woman: The phone Green, I Pink it up, and I say Yellow, Blue's that? White? Sorry wrong number, don't call us Black coz you're disturbing the Purple working here...
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Post by OnlyMark on Sept 20, 2012 19:41:04 GMT 2
There's two men standing at the top of the Empire Sate Building looking at the view.
The first man says, "Look at this. The winds are that strong you can jump off and it'll blow you back on again" and to prove it he jumps of and glides back to where he was standing.
The second man thinks, "Shit, that's cool", jumps off and WHAM! Hits the pavement and splatters all over.
The first man jumps off again, glides down to the ground and walks into a nearby bar. He asks the barman for a drink and the barman says, "Y'know, you can be a right twat when you're pissed, Superman".
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Post by Grecian on Sept 20, 2012 19:57:36 GMT 2
Don't give up your day job, Mark, as that was probably the worst joke so far!
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Post by OnlyMark on Sept 20, 2012 21:06:58 GMT 2
That's the problem, I have given up my day job. In fact all jobs.
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Post by Grecian on Sept 21, 2012 19:49:12 GMT 2
Are you going to be a part time Comedien?
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Post by OnlyMark on Sept 23, 2012 19:00:15 GMT 2
That's your job. I'd hate to take it off you.
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Post by Grecian on Sept 23, 2012 20:31:35 GMT 2
I wouldn't open with sarcasm - only my thought....
Always go with your best joke, first, and take it from there..
I love the smell of Poo...
Actually; I think it's a shit fetish..
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Post by james on Sept 28, 2012 19:57:49 GMT 2
Pastor keeps chickens in the Church premises, one evening a Cock went missing. In Church the next day the Pastor asked"who has a cock?" All the men got up.. "No, I mean who has seen a cock?" All the women got up, "No, no, I meant who has seen a cock that isn't theirs?" Half of the church got up, "Oh for goodness sake!! Who has seen my cock??" All the Choir girls got up... The pastor's wife fainted
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Post by Grecian on Sept 29, 2012 21:40:55 GMT 2
Better!!
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Post by james on Oct 8, 2012 21:10:33 GMT 2
Four Catholic ladies are having brunch together.
The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."
The second Catholic woman chirps, "My son is a Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Grace'."
The third Catholic woman says smugly, "My son is a Cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Eminence'."
The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence.
The first three women give her this subtle "Well.....?"
She replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6'3", hard bodied stripper. When he walks into a room, people say, 'Oh my God...'."
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Post by Grecian on Oct 11, 2012 19:59:17 GMT 2
6/10....
Susan Boyle has leapt to the defence of Jimmy Savile saying that she was on Jim'll Fix It when she was 13 and he never touched her once!
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Post by Grecian on Oct 18, 2012 19:27:27 GMT 2
An Englishman is having breakfast in Paris one morning (coffee, croissants, bread, butter and jam) when a Frenchman, chewing bubble-gum, sits down next to him. The Englishman ignores the Frenchman who, nevertheless, starts a conversation.
Frenchman: "You English folk eat the whole bread??"
Englishman: "Of course."
Frenchman: (after blowing a huge bubble) "We don't. In France , we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to England ." The Frenchman has a smirk on his face.
The Englishman listens in silence.
The Frenchman persists: "Do you eat jam with the bread??"
Englishman: "Of Course."
Frenchman: (cracking his bubble-gum between his teeth and chuckling).
"We don't. In France we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam, and sell the jam to England ."
After a moment of silence, The Englishman then asks: "Do you have sex in France ?"
Frenchman: "Why of course we do", he says with a big smirk.
Englishman: "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"
Frenchman: "We throw them away, of course."
Englishman: "We don't. In England , we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into bubble-gum, and sell them to France ."
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Post by OnlyMark on Oct 18, 2012 22:08:45 GMT 2
George Clooney is to produce and star in a film about Jimmy Savile's life, called...... 'Oh She's Eleven'.
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