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Post by Grecian on Apr 12, 2010 18:22:02 GMT 2
Here's a couple to get you chuckling!
A man was riding his Harley beside a Sydney beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice, The Lord said.
'Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.'
The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to New Zealand so I can ride over anytime I want.'
The Lord said; 'Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking, the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.'
The biker thought hard about it for a long time. Finally, he said, 'Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand our wives. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy'.
The Lord replied; 'You want two lanes or four on that bridge?
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Post by Grecian on Apr 12, 2010 18:22:50 GMT 2
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Post by Gyro on Apr 15, 2010 21:26:55 GMT 2
Holmes and Watson were out camping on Dartmoor.
Watson turned to Holmes, and said :
"When you look at the stars, does it remind you of how infinitely HUGE the cosmos is, and how tiny our world is in it, and how much there is around us that is, as yet, unexplored and unknowable, and does it make you realise how humble we should feel as a race...?" . . . . .
"No." Replied Holmes. "It makes me realise some nut has nicked our tent."
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Post by Grecian on Apr 16, 2010 22:00:30 GMT 2
You been on the Westons, Gyro?..
What do the Bible and a penis have in common?
....They both get rammed down your throat by Catholic priests!
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Post by Gyro on Apr 17, 2010 20:51:06 GMT 2
What's the difference between the Icelandic volcano and Cheryl Cole.
Cheryl's not blowing ash anymore ....
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Post by Grecian on Apr 18, 2010 20:24:27 GMT 2
Poor!
(I assume you got that via txt, like I did?..)
A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about 15 minutes of it, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!". The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"
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Post by Gyro on Apr 18, 2010 20:57:48 GMT 2
This thread is not going very well, is it ?
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Post by Grecian on Apr 20, 2010 20:29:15 GMT 2
A bit like you in bed then, gyro?...
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Post by pepecura on Apr 21, 2010 9:09:55 GMT 2
Oi ? I miss lots obviously.
It is something unexpected to me that Gyro and Grecian had bad bed experiences.
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Post by Hedonista on Apr 21, 2010 23:23:15 GMT 2
You been on the Westons, Gyro?.. What do the Bible and a penis have in common? ....They both get rammed down your throat by Catholic priests! this one gets my vote for best so far on the thread. Nothing to contribute myself though.
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Post by Grecian on May 2, 2010 21:02:54 GMT 2
Don't give up your day job, Gobs!!
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Post by Grecian on May 6, 2010 20:09:05 GMT 2
"My wife works for the circus.." "Really?" "yes, she eats hammers..." "Is she a professional?" "Nope, she's an 'ammer chewer!!"
TAXI!
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Post by goldie on May 6, 2010 22:04:15 GMT 2
A teacher in a Detroit kindergarten class asked the kids what kind of sound a pig makes. Little Tyrone stood up and yelled:
FREEZE, MUTHAFUCKA!
(No farmyard animals in Detroit, then.)
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Post by Grecian on May 23, 2010 21:26:55 GMT 2
(Are Merkin Police known as Pigs as well as in England?...)
Sex is not the answer.
Sex is the question.
"Yes" is the answer
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Post by Ethel Mertz on May 28, 2010 0:37:52 GMT 2
The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.
The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.
The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'
I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'
The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'
Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'
The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.
Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'
Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.
Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye..
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.
But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.
'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'
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Post by Ethel Mertz on May 28, 2010 0:45:01 GMT 2
I'll try to come up with some one liners soon. Meantime, another story ......
Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went into town and went into a shop. We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and said, "Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?"
He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi turd. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires. So my wife called him a sh..-head. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote... Personally, we didn't care. We came into town by bus and saw the car had a Sarah Palin sticker... We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired... It's important at our age.
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Post by Grecian on May 30, 2010 20:35:15 GMT 2
Corkers, Eth!
what is the difference between acne and a catholic priest?
.........Acne usually comes on a boys face after he turns 12
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Post by happytraveller on May 31, 2010 17:32:04 GMT 2
EUgh !
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Post by Grecian on May 31, 2010 20:59:37 GMT 2
Sorry, 'appyT...I just can't believe that the Cover Up all over the World is STILL happening with the ****s that the Catholic Priests have got away with...
Anyway..
What did the elephant say to the naked man? "How do you breath through something so small?"
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Post by happytraveller on Jun 1, 2010 7:05:03 GMT 2
Sorry, 'appyT...I just can't believe that the Cover Up all over the World is STILL happening with the ****s that the Catholic Priests have got away with... I agree ! Still Eugh though
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Post by Ethel Mertz on Jun 1, 2010 16:37:39 GMT 2
Eugh and trugh.
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Post by Grecian on Jun 1, 2010 23:35:19 GMT 2
Oooh, give over you two Prudes!
Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship!
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Post by Ethel Mertz on Jun 2, 2010 6:31:37 GMT 2
Oooh, give over you two Prudes! Are you dense? I said eugh and trugh...stupid spelling of true. I'm no prude, baby cakes. I agree re los padres.
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Post by happytraveller on Jun 2, 2010 7:05:14 GMT 2
I was wondering what sort of a word trugh was. I even looked it up but couldn't find any translation
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Post by Grecian on Jun 2, 2010 21:39:45 GMT 2
I'm none the wiser!
Has Ethel lost it?....
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Post by Ethel Mertz on Jun 2, 2010 22:32:59 GMT 2
Yep. You're dense.
I freaking spelled it out for ya, didn't I, and you still don't get it?
One must not play with words when speaking to someone who might be a wee tad obtuse.
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Post by Grecian on Jun 3, 2010 23:18:29 GMT 2
Furry Muff!...(You have lost me there..which means that I CBA to go back to the 1st page!..)
You ever wondered why all the Super Powers still haven't sent a Woman to the Moon yet?...
.......It doesn't need cleaning!
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Post by Ethel Mertz on Jun 4, 2010 10:08:25 GMT 2
Furry Muff!... You ever wondered why all the Super Powers still haven't sent a Woman to the Moon yet?... .......It doesn't need cleaning! Obsessing over my muff again, are ya? Women have no desire to conquer the moon. That's man's folly. We're more concerned with taking care of Earth and her problems and people. Don't know how you pronounce 'eugh,' but here it rhymes with 'true.'
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Post by Grecian on Jun 4, 2010 21:33:58 GMT 2
Great joke there, Eth'! Had me rolling in the isles!
ROMFLMAO!
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Post by Ethel Mertz on Jun 9, 2010 21:48:27 GMT 2
I took my Dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 66).
We decided to grab a bite at the food court.
I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.
The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors - green, red, orange, and blue.
My Dad kept staring at her.
The teenager kept looking and would find my Dad staring every time.
When the teenager had had enough, she sarcastically asked:
“What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?”
In classic style he responded without batting an eyelid …………
“Got stoned once and had sex with a peacock. I'm just wondering if you are my daughter."
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