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Post by Ethel Mertz on Jun 9, 2010 21:53:00 GMT 2
A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night with the tip Of her index finger shot off. 'How did this happen?' the emergency Room doctor asked her.
'Well, I was trying to commit suicide,' the blonde replied.
'What?' sputtered the doctor. 'You tried to commit suicide by shooting Off your finger?'
'No, Silly' the blonde said. 'First I put the gun to my chest, & Then I thought, 'I just paid $6, 000.00 for these implants... I'm not shooting myself in the chest.'
'So then?' asked the doctor.
'Then I put the gun in my mouth, & I thought, 'I just paid $3,000.00 To get my teeth straightened I'm not shooting myself in the mouth.'
'So then?'
'Then I put the gun to my ear, & I thought: 'This is going to make a Loud noise. So I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the trigger.
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Post by Grecian on Jun 10, 2010 19:54:41 GMT 2
Both a couple of crackers!...
I gave up smoking today because I'm so tired of hearing bad news about cigarettes...
Even if they discover good news, they don't publicize it...
....like the fact that smoking seriously reduces the risk of jogging......
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Post by Grecian on Jun 12, 2010 19:14:18 GMT 2
This is a joke thread, Gobs!
Topical one here!
1976 - Robert De Niro - Taxi Driver. 3 Oscars and 2 Emmys....
2010 - Derrick Bird - Taxi Driver. 1 Oscar, 3 Tonys, 2 Emmas, 1 Gary, 2 Janes, a Mark and 2 Billys!
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Post by Grecian on Aug 23, 2010 20:32:28 GMT 2
*TUMBLEWEED!* ...
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Post by Grecian on Aug 26, 2010 21:34:17 GMT 2
Very!..;-)
The best One Liner at the To55ing Edinburgh Festival was...
"I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again."
But then Tim Vine is a ***t...
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Post by Grecian on Sept 1, 2010 19:43:16 GMT 2
I walked past my fridge and thought I heard an onion singing a Bee Gees song...
I opened the door and soon realised it was just a chive talkin!
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Post by Grecian on Sept 9, 2010 21:01:23 GMT 2
...some people are never pleased...
Heard about the Muslim that was shot in Bradford High Street with a starting pistol??...
...Must have been Race related...
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Post by Grecian on Sept 12, 2010 16:57:58 GMT 2
..and posted 294 after 50 overs. England are on 98/1 after 19 overs. It gonna be close!
Joke? The Saffer's rugby team!
A dyslexic skier approached a bloke at the bottom of the ski slope and asked him if he could give him some advice...
"When I come down the hill, I am sure I am zigging when I should be zagging and zagging when I should be zigging..."
" No point is asking me" the bloke replied "I'm a taboggonist"....
"In the case, give me 20 fags!"
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Post by Grecian on Sept 17, 2010 19:42:53 GMT 2
(Is it just me or is the 'A' and 'Q' the wrong way round there, Gobs?
2 goldfish in a tank....
"How do you start this thing?"
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Post by Big Iain on Oct 6, 2010 12:44:11 GMT 2
Paddy is passing by Mick's hay shed one day when through a gap in the door he sees Mick doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old red Massey Ferguson. Buttocks clenched he performs a slow pirouette and gently slides off first the right welly followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move lets his braces fall down from his shoulders to dangle by his hips over his corduroy trousers. Grabbing both sides of his check shirt he rips it apart to reveal his tea stained vest underneath and with a final flourish he hurls his flat cap onto a pile of hay. "What the feck are you doing Mick?" says Paddy. "Jeez Paddy, ye frightened the livin bejasus out of me" says an obviously embarrassed Mick, "but me and the missus been having some trouble lately in the bedroom department and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor
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Post by Grecian on Oct 7, 2010 20:22:26 GMT 2
Took me a couple of reads to get that one, Iain!....
Horse walks into a bar...
Barman says "Why the long face?" .....
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Post by Ethel Mertz on Nov 19, 2010 0:35:56 GMT 2
I'll bet Iain's heard this........
A man in Calgary calls his son in Regina the day before Christmas Eve and says,
"I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough".
"Dad, what are you talking about?'" the son screams..
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer", the father says. "We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Stoughton and tell her".
Frantically, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone, "Like hell they're getting divorced", she shouts, "I'll take care of this".
She calls Calgary immediately and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back and we'll both be there tomorrow.. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up. The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife.
"Done! They're coming for Christmas - and they're paying their own way."
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Post by Grecian on Nov 23, 2010 19:59:05 GMT 2
That was a good un there, Eth!
On a cold, cold night one Gay and one straight bull were standing in a field. One says "Boy it's mighty cold out here!", the other says "Yes, I think I might slip into a nice Jersey later!".
Chase me!
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Post by Hedonista on Nov 23, 2010 22:29:34 GMT 2
Grecian old boy, I thought a Jersey cow was female, so surely said bull was not a bender??
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Post by Big Iain on Nov 25, 2010 14:45:19 GMT 2
A girlfiend and boyfriend are talking one evening...
Girlfriend: "Hey, how do you spell paedophelia?"
Boyfriend: "p.a.e.d.o.p.h.e.l.i a"
G/f: "Thanks, I would never have got that right"
B/f " I'm not surprised, thats a big word for an 8 year old to be using"
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Post by Baz Faz on Nov 25, 2010 18:08:07 GMT 2
Two blondes went into the woods with a chainsaw. They heard wolves howling but went bravely on, searching, searching. After an hour one said, "I don't care. I'm going to cut down the next pine tree whether it's decorated or not."
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Post by Grecian on Nov 29, 2010 20:37:43 GMT 2
(I don't get that one, Baz!)
I just bought a new aftershave that smells of breadcrumbs....the Birds love it!
I was walking down the street today, minding my own business, when some bloke threw a prawn cocktail at me!
I said "WTF was that for??"
He shouted "That's just for starters!!"
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Post by Grecian on Jun 18, 2011 18:57:44 GMT 2
I get that one now, Baz!
FFS! I got absolutely hammered last night! 10+ pints of zoider and several shots and then I passed out...
I woke up next to this massive blonde minger who was smelling of fish and snoring loudly and then proceeded to fart and belch in her sleep...
I thought......sheeete!........ At least I made it home!
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Post by happytraveller on Jun 18, 2011 19:08:39 GMT 2
LOL !
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Post by Hedonista on Jun 19, 2011 9:27:23 GMT 2
I get that one now, Baz! FFS! I got absolutely hammered last night! 10+ pints of zoider and several shots and then I passed out... I woke up next to this massive blonde minger who was smelling of fish and snoring loudly and then proceeded to fart and belch in her sleep... I thought......sheeete!........ At least I made it home! Did you at least get his name before he left Geeks?
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Post by Grecian on Jun 19, 2011 21:05:19 GMT 2
Predicktable, hedon'!
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Post by Grecian on Jul 3, 2011 21:14:14 GMT 2
A female MP is given a Hospital visit...
She looks in a room and sees a man wanking...
"That's awful..What's wrong with him?...."
The Doctor explains that the man has an incurable condition where his testicles fill rapidly with semen that he has to wank at least 5 times a day or he will experience terrible pain...
The MP moves on to the next room and there's a Nurse giving a patient a serious blow job!
"Just what is going on here??" the MP asks the Doctor.....
"Same condition as the last bloke....but he's with BUPA....."
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Post by Grecian on Jul 7, 2011 19:01:41 GMT 2
I had sex with this girl I met at the local Club last night....
It was inevitable..
It was obvious from the first moment I saw her...
I could just tell...
It was the Chemistry...... . .. . . . . .
Rohypnol and Chloroform!
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Post by Grecian on Sept 7, 2011 20:34:35 GMT 2
A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.
Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom wardrobe.
The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the wardrobe, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, 'Dark in here.'
The man says, 'Yes, it is.'
Boy - 'I have a football.'
Man - 'That's nice.'
Boy - 'Want to buy it?'
Man - 'No, thanks.'
Boy - 'My dad's outside.'
Man - 'OK, how much?'
Boy - '£150'
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy, and the lover are in the wardrobe together.
Boy - 'Dark in here.'
Man - 'Yes, it is.'
Boy - 'I have football boots.'
the lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, 'How much?'
Boy - '£250'
Man - 'Sold.'
A few days later, the boy’s father says to the boy, 'Grab your boots and football, let's go outside and have a game of football.
The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my ball and boots.'
The father asks, 'How much did you sell them for?'
Boy - '£400'
The father says, 'That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess.'
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, 'Dark in here.' The priest says, 'Don't start that again you little sh*t. You're in my Wardrobe now!!.....
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Post by james on Dec 21, 2011 20:58:15 GMT 2
There were four guys going on a road trip and they were driving through the desert. While they were driving the car broke down and they needed to jump start the car.
They saw a farm in the distance down the road and so they walked to the farm. As they got near the front door a old man jumps out pointing a shotgun at them saying" what are you doing here on my property" they say" our car broke down and we need to jump start it" the old man laughs and says" if you want to survive run to the back and get the first fruit you see and come back, you got 20 seconds and don't even think about running away okay
GO!" they ran to the back and got fruits. One guy comes back with a apple and the old man tells him to take off his pants and he will stuff the fruit up him ******* and if he laughs he will shoot him. he laughs and the man shoots him. Next guy come with a cucumber and the old man says" i said fruit" and shoots him too. The next guy comes with a cherry and the old man says if he laughs when he stuffs the fruit up his ass he will kill him.
He laughs and the old man kills him. In heaven the three of them talk about why they laughed, they noticed that the forth guy had survived and the last guy was still laughing. They asked him " Why are you still laughing?" " Because i saw him running up with a watermelon!".
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Post by Grecian on Dec 29, 2011 19:17:35 GMT 2
An upside down pineapple would be worse!
True story, this one...
Over Christmas I did the decent thing and took my Mother In Law to the pub... I went for a wazz and when I got back, there were 6 blokes beating her up in the corner! The barman said "Aren't you going to help?" I said "6 should be enough?"
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Post by Grecian on Jan 18, 2012 20:04:33 GMT 2
I went to Waterstones (Bookshop) today and asked if they had the new book about sex for men with small willies?"
"I don't think it's in yet" said the assistant....
"Yes - that's the one. How much?"
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Post by james on Jan 22, 2012 10:47:04 GMT 2
A blonde was withdrawing money from the ATM machine
The blonde behind her: HAHA I saw your pin number, it`s four star
First blonde (the one withdrawing the money): HAHA you're wrong, it`s 1566!
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Post by james on Jan 26, 2012 18:18:55 GMT 2
Boy: Hello is this 10111? Police: Yes what's the emergency?
Boy: 2 girls are fighting over me Police: What's wrong with that???
Boy: The ugly one is winning HURRY!!!
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Post by Grecian on Jan 26, 2012 19:33:09 GMT 2
Like the 2nd one, James!
Another true story here...
They were filming in Exeter High Street today for a new programme on the BBC about house decorating etc...
There were two teams that had to paint a mock up of a front room as fast as they could...
After about 10 minutes it all kicked off and both teams were fighting each other!
.....Emulsions were running high....
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