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Post by mockchoc on Feb 6, 2012 23:35:27 GMT 2
Doctors aren't supposed to laugh... "Of course I won't laugh," said the female Doctor. "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient." "Okay then," said Bob, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the smallest male part the Doctor had ever seen. In length and width was almost identical to a A A A battery. Unable to control herself, the Doctor tried to stop a giggle, but it just came out. And then she started laughing at the fact that she was laughing. Feeling very badly that she had laughed at the man's part, she composed herself as well as she could. "I am so sorry," she said.. "I don't know what came over me. On my honour as a Doctor and a lady, I promise That won't happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?" "It's swollen," Bob replied. She ran out of the room.
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Post by Grecian on Feb 8, 2012 20:05:26 GMT 2
So...
Is an AAA sized battery considered small for a knob?
Makes me feel better now!
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Post by mockchoc on Feb 9, 2012 7:26:44 GMT 2
It was the entire apendage size, not just the knob.
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Post by Grecian on Feb 9, 2012 20:09:05 GMT 2
'smallest male part'??
I assumed that was just the knob/meat and did not include the 'veg'?....
Anyway, AA battery for me!
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Post by mockchoc on Feb 10, 2012 7:41:42 GMT 2
Thought you'd be more like a lantern battery. AA is pretty small, AAA is tiny.
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Post by Grecian on Feb 10, 2012 23:53:30 GMT 2
So is a 'lantern' battery larger than an AA one?...
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Post by mockchoc on Feb 12, 2012 9:11:07 GMT 2
6 volts!
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Post by Grecian on Feb 13, 2012 20:17:08 GMT 2
Is that like the Eurovision Song Contest?
"6 Volts from Australia" from you for my knob?
(I never saw you in the toilet at the same time as me at Hedon's palace!)
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Post by james on Feb 20, 2012 18:18:39 GMT 2
Two thieves break into a bank in the middle of the night and open a safe. There is only some yogurt, but no money. They taste the yogurt. It's tainted. The men open the next safe. There is some yogurt too, it tastes much better but again - no money. The thieves take on another safe. And there's yogurt again.
"John, why don't you go outside and look if it is indeed a bank!" says one to the other, and sits down to eat the yogurt which tastes really fresh and nutritious this time.
A couple of minutes late there comes John. "It is definitely a bank!" "What exactly did the sign say?" "The Sperm Bank of Ohio!"
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Post by happytraveller on Feb 20, 2012 19:38:18 GMT 2
Ewwww... ¨!!
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ruthee
Happy Potters
Posts: 930
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Post by ruthee on Feb 20, 2012 20:52:14 GMT 2
Yuck - but funny
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Post by Grecian on Feb 20, 2012 21:48:24 GMT 2
Hear about the Frog that parked on a Double Yellow line?...
He got toad away!
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Post by james on Feb 25, 2012 12:22:51 GMT 2
Larry and Scott wanted to go out drinking, but they only had R2.00 between them.
Larry said, "Hang on, I have an idea."
He went to the butcher shop next door and came out with one large sausage.
Scott said, "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all".
Larry replied, "Don't worry just follow me".
They went into a pub where Larry immediately ordered two double shots of Jack Daniels ..
Scott said, "Now you have lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't any money to pay for this!"
Larry replied with a smile, "Don't worry I have a plan. Cheers!" They downed their drinks.
Larry said "Ok, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you get down on your knees and put it in your mouth."
Said and done, the barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.
They continued this, bar after bar, getting more and more drunk - all for free.
At the tenth bar, Scott said, " Larry - I don't think I can do this anymore. My mouth is sore and my knees are killing me!"
LARRY SAID, "HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL? I LOST THE SAUSAGE AT THE THIRD BAR!"
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Post by Big Iain on Feb 25, 2012 15:29:21 GMT 2
Nice one James
Q, What is 6 inches long but didn't get sucked on valentine's day?
A, Whitney Houston's crack pipe.
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Post by auntieannie on Feb 25, 2012 20:41:39 GMT 2
Mordor. If it were in Glasgow, Inspector Taggart would deal with it.
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Post by Grecian on Feb 25, 2012 21:41:46 GMT 2
Is that a 'WHOOOOOOSH!* for AA?...
Methinks she's been on the cooking sherry!
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Post by Grecian on Feb 29, 2012 1:44:26 GMT 2
How many Potters does it take to change a Light Bulb?....
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Post by james on Mar 11, 2012 16:21:05 GMT 2
One of the questions from the career placement test , given college student applicants for a military commission. "Rearrange the letters P N E S I to spell out an important part of human body that is more useful when erect!"
Those who answered "spine" went to medical school...the rest went to pilot training..
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Post by Grecian on Mar 11, 2012 21:23:59 GMT 2
I bet you went Cock!
Davey Jones, RIP....I'm a Bereaver.....
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Post by james on Mar 13, 2012 21:05:41 GMT 2
To prepare for his big date, a young man went up on to the roof of his apartment building in order to tan himself. Not wanting any tan lines to show, he sunbathed in the nude. Unfortunately, the young man fell asleep while on the roof, and managed to get a sunburn on his "tool of the trade".
He was determined not to miss his date, so he put some lotion on his manhood and wrapped it in gauze.
The blonde showed up for the date at his apartment, and the young man treated her to a home cooked dinner, after which they went into the living room to watch a movie.
During the movie, however, the young man's sunburn started acting up again. He asked to be excused, went into the kitchen, and poured a tall, cool glass of milk. He then placed his sunburned member in the milk and experienced immediate relief of his pain.
The blonde, however, wondering what he was doing, wandered into the kitchen to see him with his johnson immersed in a glass of milk. Upon seeing this, the blonde exclaimed, "So that's how you guys load those things!"
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Post by Grecian on Mar 14, 2012 0:33:01 GMT 2
Hahahahaha!
Blonde = Any Female?...
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Post by OnlyMark on Mar 14, 2012 22:18:42 GMT 2
As males here are in the minority I think it's time some ground rules were laid down. You may have read these before but just to refresh your memory -
Men are NOT mind readers.
Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
Crying is blackmail.
Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
A headache that lasts for 17 months is a Problem. See a doctor.
Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.
If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of them makes you sad or angry, then we meant the "other one "
You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle, besides we know you will bring it up again later.
If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...really.
Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or golf.
You have enough clothes.
You have too many shoes.
I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
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Post by Grecian on Mar 14, 2012 23:02:25 GMT 2
ZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz BONG!
WTF are 'Victoria's Secret girls'??...Is that Merkin Shite??
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Post by james on Mar 15, 2012 20:46:24 GMT 2
There's this couple. He's 87 and she's 86 years old. They just got married and are on their honeymoon. In the hotel room, she slips into something sexy and crawls into bed and waits for her new groom. He's in the bathroom sprucing himself up.
She waits.. and waits.. 'til she can't wait any longer. She gets up and goes to the bathroom and opens the door. Peering in she sees him bent over on the toilet trying to put on a condom.
She giggles, "Honey, what are you doing? I'm 86 years old and can't get pregnant anymore."
He looks up at her and says, "I know, but honey, you know how the dampness effects my arthritis."
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Post by Grecian on Mar 18, 2012 21:42:10 GMT 2
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.....
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Post by james on Mar 21, 2012 8:26:02 GMT 2
A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made.
"Olympic condoms?" she asks, "What makes them so special?"
"There are three colors," he replies, "Gold, Silver and Bronze."
"What color are you going to wear tonight?" she asks cheekily.
"Gold of course," says the man proudly.
The wife responds, "Really, why don't you wear Silver, it would be nice if you came second for a change!"
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Post by james on Mar 21, 2012 8:26:29 GMT 2
The guys were on a bike tour. No one wanted to room with John, because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.
The first guy slept with John and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.
They said, "Man, what happened to you? He said, "John snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."
The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot.
They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful! He said, 'Man, that John shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night."
The third night was Bill's turn. He was a tanned, older biker, a man's man.. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.
"Good morning!" he said. They couldn't believe it.. They said, "Man, what happened?" He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked John into bed, patted him on the arse, and kissed him good night on the lips.
John sat up and watched me all night."
With age comes wisdom
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Post by james on Mar 21, 2012 8:26:50 GMT 2
Two farmers, Joe and Bob, lived as neighbors, but didn't like each other much. In 1989, there was a period of -30 degree centigrade cold and Bob and Joe had nothing to do because of it. So they bet a bottle of vodka who can sit out on the window ledge the longest with a bare ass.
After two hours Bob's wife came home and asked Bob, "What are you doing?"
Bob explained and she said, "Come on... you will only freeze your ass off."
Bob refused as he wanted to win the bet.
Then his wife got an idea. "Let's change places when Joe is looking the other way."
Bob's wife put on the same kind of pullover and cap and traded places with Bob.
Half an hour later Joe's wife came home and asked him, "What are you doing?"
Joe told her and said, "I am determined to win the bottle!"
"You are crazy. Come on in."
"Certainly not, I am already on the winning side. Bob lost his balls half an hour ago!"
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Post by pepecura on Mar 21, 2012 9:41:03 GMT 2
loving those !
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Post by Grecian on Mar 21, 2012 19:48:45 GMT 2
Not bad for you, James!
Three blokes went to a ski lodge and, as they were fully booked, they have to share a room with one small bed.
In the morning, the bloke on the right wakes up and says, "I had this very wild dream of getting a hand job!"
The Bloke on the left wakes up, and said "That's unbelievable, I had the same dream too!".
Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamt I was skiing!"
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