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Post by Grecian on Oct 22, 2012 19:34:12 GMT 2
Pretty good for you, Mark!
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Post by james on Oct 26, 2012 18:06:25 GMT 2
A man goes to heaven with two friends. When they get there they see ducks everywhere. St. Peter informs them that they can do whatever they want but don't step on the ducks. A week goes by and one man steps on a duck. St. Peter comes out with this ugly woman and says " this is who you will spend eternity with". A month later the second man steps on a duck. St. Peter shows up with a hideous woman and says "this is who you will spend eternity with". After a year the third man hadn't stepped on a duck and St. peter shows up with a gorgeous woman. The man can't believe it and says " what could I have done to deserve such a beautiful woman".
The woman says "I don't know all I did was step on a duck"
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Post by Grecian on Oct 28, 2012 21:22:44 GMT 2
Of FFS!....Groan!
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Post by james on Nov 6, 2012 20:56:21 GMT 2
Nursery school teacher says to her class, "Who can use the word 'Definitely' in a sentence?"
First a little girl says "The sky is definitely blue" Teacher says, "Sorry, Amy, but the sky can be gray, or orange..."
Second little boy..."Trees are definitely green" "Sorry, but in the autumn, the trees are brown."
Little Johnny from the back of the class stands up and asks:
"Does a fart have lumps?"
The teacher looks horrified and says..."Johnny! Of course not!!!"
"OK...then I DEFINITELY shit my pants..."
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Post by Grecian on Nov 7, 2012 21:14:09 GMT 2
Better!
Award yourself a Star for that one...
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Post by james on Nov 12, 2012 19:01:27 GMT 2
Why am I Divorced?
Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my husband would be pleasant and say, 'Happy Birthday!', and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, he barely said good morning, let alone ' Happy Birthday.' I thought.... well, that's marriage for you, but the kids.... they will remember. My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfasts and didn't say a word.. So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent. As I walked into my office, my handsome Boss Rick, said, 'Good Morning, lady, and by the way Happy Birthday! ' It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered. I worked until one o'clock , when Rick knocked on my door and said, 'You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me....' I said, 'Thanks, Rick, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!' We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. He chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously. On the way back to the office, Rick said, 'You know, it's such a beautiful day... we don't need to go straight back to the office, do we?' I responded, 'I guess not. What do you have in mind?' He said, 'Let's drop by my place, it's just around the corner.' After arriving at his house, Rick turned to me and said, If you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back.' 'Ok.' I nervously replied. He went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, he came out carrying a huge birthday cake ... followed by my husband my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing 'Happy Birthday'. And I just sat there.... On the couch.... Naked.
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Post by Grecian on Nov 12, 2012 21:05:24 GMT 2
*BONG!*
I got half way through and gave up reading!
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Post by Ethel Mertz on Nov 20, 2012 4:38:45 GMT 2
HELL EXPLAINED…BY A CHEMISTRY STUDENT
The following is an actual question given on a University of Arizona chemistry mid term, and an actual answer turned in by a student.
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving, which is unlikely. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.
Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct..... ....leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'
THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.
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Post by Grecian on Nov 20, 2012 21:24:39 GMT 2
I'll rate that out of 10 tomorrow, Eth' between cutting my toe nails and highlighting my hair...
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Post by Grecian on Nov 27, 2012 20:39:12 GMT 2
What's brown and sticky? A Stick.
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Post by james on Nov 27, 2012 20:40:14 GMT 2
boring
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Post by Grecian on Nov 27, 2012 20:50:24 GMT 2
Apologies for that!
I'll give you a looooong one, ok?
A farm family from the Bosveld was visiting Johannesburg and they were in a shopping center for the first time in their lives. The father Stoffel and his son Frikkie were strolling around while the wife shopped. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. Frikkie asked, "Pa, What’s that?" Stoffel (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Frikkie my son, I do not know. I have never seen anything like that in my entire life; I got no idea what it is." While Stoffel and Frikkie were watching with amazement, a fat old lady walked up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady walked between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Then the walls opened up again and a young gorgeous, voluptuous woman stepped out. Stoffel, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, "Frikkie my son, run and fetch Ma...."
(Is that funny?)
I dare say that certain Saffers take the pi55 out of people from the Bosveld for being Thick like the English do with the Irish?
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Post by james on Nov 29, 2012 19:44:17 GMT 2
Hahaha....No, but a nice try. I'll have to find my funny ones and post.
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Post by Grecian on Nov 29, 2012 20:10:59 GMT 2
Your 'Funny ones'??
I won't hold my breath!
:-)
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Post by pepecura on Nov 30, 2012 12:29:27 GMT 2
;D ;D
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Post by Grecian on Nov 30, 2012 20:29:54 GMT 2
As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."
She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"
A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".
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Post by pepecura on Dec 1, 2012 12:19:48 GMT 2
Poor man !
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Post by Grecian on Dec 1, 2012 20:18:57 GMT 2
It's a joke, ffs! ...
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Post by Grecian on Dec 1, 2012 21:51:10 GMT 2
It's called a sexist joke!
HOW TO TREAT A WOMAN: Wine her. Dine her. Call her. Hold her. Surprise her. Compliment her. Smile at her. Listen to her. Laugh with her. Cry with her. Romance her. Encourage her. Believe in her. Pray with her. Pray for her. Cuddle with her. Shop with her. Give her jewelry. Buy her flowers. Hold her hand. Write love letters to her. Go to the ends of the earth and back again for her. HOW TO TREAT A MAN: Show up naked. Bring chicken wings and beer. Don't block the TV.
Geddit yet?
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Post by Grecian on Dec 2, 2012 21:02:21 GMT 2
Maybe because you are a Laydee and found it slightly offensive?
Why is it so difficult to find men who are caring, sensitive, and good-looking? They already have boyfriends.
(That may, well be, Gayist as well as a tad Sexist!)
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Post by pepecura on Dec 3, 2012 9:56:53 GMT 2
I think that joke was really funny ;D
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Post by Grecian on Dec 3, 2012 20:08:08 GMT 2
Sortedish as Peps found it funny and he's a Bloke, last time I looked!
So it's Laydee (Not Funny) 1 - 2 Blokes (Funny)
Can another bloke or Laydee post on whether they thought it was funny or not just to continue this experiment into human psychology?
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Post by happytraveller on Dec 4, 2012 8:35:29 GMT 2
I didn't find it funny either, but that's probably because I expected it to turn out like that. Was too predictable.
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Post by pepecura on Dec 4, 2012 9:36:47 GMT 2
... It was not predictable for me at all..may be I was reading that with an empty no thinking mind...
let's take things reverse, and suppose that it was a man asking others if there is anyone could make him feel like a man in the last minutes of his life...what would be the response in the same sense ?
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Post by Grecian on Dec 4, 2012 18:48:52 GMT 2
So it's Laydee (Not Funny) 2 - 2 Blokes (Funny)
Call it a draw then!
You been on a diversity course, Gobs? I'm hardly discriminating but rather conducting a survey - agreed with a small sample.
Q. What is the insensitive bit at the base of the penis called? A. A man.
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Post by Hedonista on Dec 4, 2012 23:59:18 GMT 2
Guy has the diarrhea at the airport and goes to the business class lounge for a shower and risks a fart. Follows through big time and shits all over the glass of the shower cubicle which then blocks the drain and overflows the shower basin spilling shit and water all over the floor.
OK, not a joke but horrible, funny and true, almost as good as my old massage stories...
Just thought I would add this to lighten the mood :-)
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Post by pepecura on Dec 5, 2012 10:07:25 GMT 2
I am sorry but I dont think you are right Gobs. That's just your point of view, and I respect that.
You can take it from where you look...
What I see in the joke that there is this dumb man giving an unexpected answer to that woman, probably because of his miserable life...that's why I commented poor man. No connection I saw with the role of women in society..
I still find the joke funny, I hope you do not have problem with that ?
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Post by happytraveller on Dec 5, 2012 10:31:26 GMT 2
What's the difference between a man's head and dog food ?? dog food contains "brain"
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Post by pepecura on Dec 5, 2012 13:30:52 GMT 2
that was funny HT, but a bit ;D
Gobs, sorry but you do not make any sense to me. You cannot determine what is funny and what is not for everyone, it is so simple; everybody has different tastes...and sorry, but I do not think that joke perpetuates the image that women inferior to men, moreover seeing you taking it too serious here in "flushed", being agressive about this and insisting on the issue, I cant help myself to start to wonder that it is the reason why you are carrying on the issue may be you have inferiority complex ? ....not that I think, just find you too sensitive.
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Post by pepecura on Dec 5, 2012 18:02:32 GMT 2
Yeah I see that this is a huge topic for you...I am not at your league to discuss that definitely, so your earlier intention to stay out seems right...
I also find it gender insensitive, no doubt...
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