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Post by Netsuke on Jun 22, 2022 4:39:29 GMT 2
Instead of starting a new thread for each joke, this will be “Les Officiel” joke thread. Oui?!
A horse walks into a bar and orders a pint. The bartender says “You’re in here pretty often. Think you might be an alcoholic?”, to which the horse replies “I don’t think I am”, and vanishes from existence. See, the joke is about Descartes’ famous philosophy of ‘I think therefore I am”, (Cogito ergo sum) but to explain that part before the rest of the joke would be to put Descartes before the horse!
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Post by Voy on Jun 22, 2022 14:26:48 GMT 2
it's official - GROAN!!
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Post by Netsuke on Jun 24, 2022 9:47:25 GMT 2
Late one night a burglar broke into a house and while he was sneaking around he heard a voice say, "Jesús is watching you." He looked around and saw nothing. He kept on creeping and again heard, "Jesús is watching you." In a dark corner, he saw a cage with a parrot inside. The burglar asked the parrot, "Was it you who said Jesús is watching me" The parrot replied, "Yes." Relieved, the burglar asked, "What’s your name?" The parrot said, "Clarence." The burglar said, "That's a stupid name for a parrot. What idiot named you Clarence?" The parrot answered, "The same idiot that named the Rottweiler Jesús."
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Post by Voy on Jun 30, 2022 15:25:32 GMT 2
I hope you can find the link to this - there are a more-
In The Know by Yahoo Teacher in hysterics over students’ answers to extra credit question: ‘Very funny group of kids’ Alex Lasker Tue, June 28, 2022 at 12:17 PM A high school science teacher asked her students to make her laugh for extra credit on a recent assignment, and her class certainly delivered.
Shannon Wessel (@ms.wessel), a high school biology teacher in Washington state, took to TikTok to share the answers she received from her students after prompting them to make her laugh for a few extra points on a recent quiz, an idea she derived from @funny_math_teacher.
“Here are some of the jokes they came up with,” Wessel began.
“A biology teacher grew human vocal cords from stem cells in the lab? The results speak for themselves,” she laughed.
“What’s the best thing about Switzerland? I honestly have no idea, but the flag is a big plus,” she continued. “What does a chicken say when he sees lettuce? Chicken sees-a salad.”
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Post by Netsuke on Jul 8, 2022 8:33:25 GMT 2
1. A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve food here.”
2. Elvis - well it’s one for the money.
3. What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barberqueue
4. I wish my gray hair started in Las Vegas because what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.
5. How do you teach kids about taxes? Eat 38% of their ice cream.
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Post by Netsuke on Jul 12, 2022 16:05:01 GMT 2
One day, a lady entered a bar in Texas and noticed a handsome cowboy sitting with his feet propped up on one of the tables. The man wore the biggest boots the woman had ever seen.
The woman asked the cowboy if what they say about men with big feet being well endowed is true. The cowboy, smiling, answered: "Shore is little lady. Why don't we go to the bunkhouse and let me prove it to you?"
The woman was eager to find out for herself, so she spent the night with the handsome man. The next morning, she took out her wallet and gave him $200.
Blushing, the cowboy said: "Why, thankee ma’am, Ah’m most flattered. Ain’t nobody ever paid me fer man services before." The woman replied:
"Don't be flattered. Take the money and get yourself some boots that actually fit!"
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Post by Netsuke on Jul 19, 2022 18:24:50 GMT 2
A Priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.”
“I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerised that he let me baptise him.”
They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. “Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.”
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Post by Netsuke on Jul 22, 2022 13:19:51 GMT 2
In The Wisdom of Solomon
Two women in a bus fighting bitterly over the last seat available.
The conductor had already tried unsuccessfully to intervene when the bus driver shouted to the conductor, “Let the ugly one take the seat.”
Both women stood for the rest of the journey.
Argument done.
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Post by Netsuke on Jul 23, 2022 5:49:22 GMT 2
A priest buys a lawn mower at a yard sale. Back home, he pulls on the starter rope a few times with no results. He storms back to the yard sale and tells the previous owner, “I can’t get the mower to start!” “That’s because you have to curse to get it started,” says the man. “I’m a man of the cloth. I don’t even remember how to curse.” “You keep pulling on that rope, and it’ll come back to you.”
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Post by Voy on Jul 24, 2022 2:32:33 GMT 2
A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back & inform the other if there is sex after death. Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all. After a long life together, Frank was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact: “Kris, Kris, can you hear me?” “Is that you, Frank?” “Yes, I’ve come back like we agreed.” “That’s wonderful! What’s it like?” “Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex, I have breakfast and then it’s off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times.. Then I have lunch (and Kris, you’d be proud — lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it’s back to the golf course again. Then it’s more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again.” “Oh, Frank! Are you in Heaven?” “No — I’m a rabbit somewhere in Arizona.”
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Post by Netsuke on Aug 7, 2022 2:08:15 GMT 2
The Great Egyptian Queen Flower Faucet had two daughters. What were their names? Hot and Cold.
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Post by Netsuke on Aug 7, 2022 11:37:53 GMT 2
My teacher pointed me with his ruler and said, “At the end of this ruler there’s an idiot.”
I got detention after asking, “Which end, Sir?”
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Post by Netsuke on Aug 17, 2022 3:22:49 GMT 2
Mr Mrs Butts had a son. They named him Seymour.
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Post by Netsuke on Sept 5, 2022 8:33:48 GMT 2
A group of police officers are sitting outside a woman's house after she murdered her husband.
One calls dispatch and says, "we got a woman armed with a knife in here and she just killed her husband."
Dispatch says, "do you know why she killed her husband?"
The officer replies, "Yair, she told him not to step on the floor right after she mopped, and he stepped on it anyway"
Dispatch asks "well do you have her in custody yet?"
"No not yet" the officer says.
Dispatch says "Why not?"
The officer hesitates for a moment, then finally replies "well the floor still looks wet"
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Post by Netsuke on Sept 13, 2022 8:51:58 GMT 2
Little boy tells his nursery teacher he found a dead cat "How did you know it was dead?" asks the teacher.
"Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move" says the boy.
"You did what!?" shrieks the teacher.
"You know" explains the boy, "I leant over and went Pssst & it didn't move!"
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Post by Netsuke on Sept 18, 2022 5:48:05 GMT 2
A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!" After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Johnny?" "No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"
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Post by Netsuke on Sept 20, 2022 3:29:10 GMT 2
Three sisters age 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together.
One night the 96 year old draws a bath, puts her foot in and pauses. She yells down the stairs, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"
The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know, I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses, then she yells, "Was I going up the stairs or coming down?"
The 92 year old was sitting at the kitchen table having coffee listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful." She knocks on wood for good luck. She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."
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Post by Netsuke on Sept 29, 2022 15:22:34 GMT 2
An undercover agent was sent to an Irish village and told to make contact with their local man called O’Reilly who knew the code phrase “The birds will be flying high tomorrow.”
He asked someone in the street where he could find Mr O’Reilly and got the answer “Well, there’s O’Reilly the butcher, O’Reilly the postman and sure my own name is O’Reilly.”
The agent decided to take a risk and said: “The birds will be flying high tomorrow.”
“Oh! It’s O’Reilly the spy you’re wanting! He’ll be down in the pub.”
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Post by Voy on Sept 30, 2022 13:48:15 GMT 2
I the random thought thread Netskie said , " Your silvery beams will bring love's dreams" which brings to mind the ancient joke : What Shakespeare play goes with each of the following words: 3 inches 6 inches 12 inches Wet dry abortion ?
Midsummer Night's Dream 12th Night Love's Labor Lost Much ado about Nothing As you Like it Taming of the Shrew ....
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Post by Netsuke on Sept 30, 2022 20:29:01 GMT 2
I the random thought thread Netskie said , " Your silvery beams will bring love's dreams" which brings to mind the ancient joke : What Shakespeare play goes with each of the following words: 3 inches 6 inches 12 inches Wet dry abortion ? Midsummer Night's Dream 12th Night Love's Labor Lost Much ado about Nothing As you Like it Taming of the Shrew .... 12 inches - Midsummer Night’s Dream Abortion? - Loves Labor Lost 3 inches - Much Ado About Nothing
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Post by Voy on Oct 1, 2022 1:19:25 GMT 2
oops - the top 3 and bottom 3 are reversed.. duuuh 3 inches - much ado about nothing - - Midsummernight;s dream - -
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Post by Netsuke on Oct 1, 2022 3:15:27 GMT 2
oops - the top 3 and bottom 3 are reversed.. duuuh 3 inches - much ado about nothing - - Midsummernight;s dream - - I’m lost… Midsummer Night's Dream 12th Night Love's Labor Lost Much ado about Nothing As you Like it Taming of the Shrew 3 inches - Much Ado About nothing 6 inches 12 inches - Midsummer Night’s Dream Wet dry abortion ? - Love’s labour lost Which one’s match 6 inches, Wet and Dry?
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Post by Baz Faz on Oct 1, 2022 11:11:27 GMT 2
Wet... Did old Waggledagger write a play called Soggy Bottom?
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Post by Voy on Oct 1, 2022 14:39:01 GMT 2
ok -- 3 inches -Much ado about nothing 6 inches - As you like it 9 inches - Taming of the Shrew wet - Midsummer night's dream dry =12th Night abortion - Love's Labor Lost and on to something completely different, I hope !
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Post by Netsuke on Oct 6, 2022 9:57:52 GMT 2
A lady failed her written driving test 4 times. At the fifth attempt, she was determined to pass. But the test had the same question. "You are driving at 100 kmh. On your right is a wall, on your left is a cliff. On the road you see an old man and a young man. What will you hit?” The lady walked up to the examiner and said. "I've answered this question all four ways, wall, cliff, old man and young man, yet I failed all four times. How is this possible? What am I supposed to hit?" The examiner replied. "The Brakes!”
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Post by Netsuke on Oct 11, 2022 2:36:14 GMT 2
In Honour of the Canadian Thanksgiving…
How does a Turkey drink her wine? In a gobble-let
What happened when the turkey got into a fight? He got the stuffing knocked out of him.
What did the mother turkey say to her disobedient children? If your father could see you now, he’d turn over in his gravy!
How did Albert Einstein celebrate Thanksgiving? He was very thinkful.
What do you get after eating way too much turkey and dressing? Dessert, of course!
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Post by Netsuke on Nov 2, 2022 11:01:13 GMT 2
Dad jokes…..
Did you hear about the fire in the shoe factory? 10,000 soles were lost. The police said some heels started it.
What is Forrest Gump’s email password? 1forrest1.
Did you hear about the Italian chef who died? He pasta-way.
What did the fish say when he swam into a wall? Dam.
Two windmills are standing on a wind farm. One asks, “What’s your favourite type of music?” The other says, “I’m a big metal fan.”
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Post by Netsuke on Mar 26, 2023 13:15:15 GMT 2
Hello?", "Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mummy near the phone?"
"No Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Jack.”
After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Jack.”
"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mummy, right now."
Brief Pause. "Um, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mummy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."
"Okay Daddy, just a minute."
A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone. "I did it Daddy." "And what happened honey?" he asked.
"Well, Mummy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"
"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Jack?”
"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead."
Long Pause
Then Daddy says,
"Swimming pool? .... Is this 98753682?”
Little girl “No, I think you have the wrong number.”
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Post by Netsuke on May 4, 2023 10:48:16 GMT 2
A boy comes back from school, disappointed, because he got a zero on a geography exam. “The teacher gave me a zero because I couldn’t answer a question on Portugal,” he said. His mother asked, “What was the question?” “Where’s Portugal.”
“The idiot teacher, I’m going to call the principal’s office. In the meantime we’re going to find where Portugal is.” She gets a map of the state and can’t find Portugal. Then she gets a map of the region and still can’t find Portugal. She gets a map of the city and can’t find Portugal.
“I swear Portugal can’t be far. The maid is from Portugal and she comes here to work everyday on her bicycle.”
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Post by Netsuke on May 11, 2023 12:21:36 GMT 2
A blonde and a redhead have a ranch. They have just lost their bull. The women need to buy another, but only have $500.
The redhead tells the blonde, “I’ll go to the market and see if I can find one for under that amount. If I can, I’ll send you a telegram.”
She goes to the market and finds one for $499. Having only one dollar left, she goes to the telegraph office and finds out that it costs one dollar per word.
She’s wondering how to tell the blonde to bring the truck and trailer. Finally, she tells the telegraph operator to send the word “comfortable.”
Skeptical, the operator asks, “How will she know to come with the trailer from just that word?”
The redhead replies, “She’s a blonde so she reads slow: ‘Come for ta bull.'”
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