Hiring New Helper

[lumi]

I have reached the point where I am seriously considering hiring another helper due to feeling really overworked and run down all the time as Mr Lumi is travelling for his job so frequently. I am, of course, very nervous that it won't be a great experience given the horror stories out there and how frustrating it became to have our previous helper in our home. Not sure if I ever mentioned it here, but I found out after she left that some items were likely stolen (E. G brand new leather goods in a gift box but now the box is empty) and she had told my son not to tell me about the sweet treats she would give him and videos she let him watch on her phone in the half hour after school where she would take car of him (obviously trying to get him to behave through these things which I put limits on).

Quite a lot of time goes into finding a helper to employ and it isn't as cheap as you may think once you factor in the monthly government fee, medical insurance and additional food we need to provide. And of course we then have another person living in our home. Of course the upside is that I would have help with all of the cleaning and evening meal Prep, assuming we hired someone good.

It all feels like a bit of a gamble and I can't decide which way the odds are stacked. Based on what I've said here in the past and what you all know about me, do you think I should hire someone new or keep on without any help?

[sophie]

There are no guarantees that the next one would be better (or worse, for that matter). Seeing your husband is away travelling so much, could you look at doing things differently for yourself and your son without a helper but conserving your energy? For example, rather than prepping the evening meal, go out or have prepared food delivered? And are there cleaning companies which could come and clean while you are at work? It seems that with all the costs and issues surrounding a live in helper, it is more of a hassle than help.

[sophie]

There are no guarantees that the next one would be better (or worse, for that matter). Seeing your husband is away travelling so much, could you look at doing things differently for yourself and your son without a helper but conserving your energy? For example, rather than prepping the evening meal, go out or have prepared food delivered? And are there cleaning companies which could come and clean while you are at work? It seems that with all the costs and issues surrounding a live in helper, it is more of a hassle than help.

[OnlyMark]

There's probably only me who has had the lifestyle you have and the same experiences. In the Philippines the first one we ever had was superb.
We also employed a private English teacher for several sessions a week for the kids - but she lasted only a couple of weeks until I found she was using our house phone to phone her relatives in America.
Then in Egypt we had three in quick succession, all who never amounted to much for various reasons, one being just sheer incompetence. We moved house in Egypt and I found a local woman who came four times a week during the day. That worked out until she got a better job and recommended her mother. The mother lasted one week or so until when we had some guests stay she started hassling them to give her money and clothes. She went out on her ear.

In Jordan I decided we wouldn't have a live in any more and had a day time woman come three or four times a week who turned out to be pretty good.
In Zambia our rental house shared a plot with the landlord's house and at the rear was a small place for the helpers. Our rent included one of those to come every day but they lived separate to us.
In Bosnia we went back to having a cleaner a couple of times a week and she didn't do any cooking or anything else, just cleaning, laundry, ironing etc.
For me, I never felt comfortable have a live in and many were more trouble than they were worth but we managed to find a balance with someone coming a few days a week but then going home.

[kuskiwi]

I've been in a similar situation in Hong Kong but without a child to consider although friends did. Nothing is ideal but I like Mark disliked the live in situation and opted for cleaning and depending on the options food prep.

[Voy]

The only time I had "live in" help was in New Guinea... and that was so different it doesn't count! And growing up we had a housekeeper who was beyond wonderful - and at her choice she came daily. Based on the above I'd go with the cleaner/helper on a daily basis and add in takeout/orderin food ! IF such help is available?

[Scrubb]

It seems like unless you manage to find someone really good, it ends up being as much hassle as help. I tend to think like sophie - look at how you can spend money on doing things differently so that you don't use up all your resources and get more run down.

That means making compromises too - every option does, I guess! You may have to sacrifice your ideals and change your standards - things like not cooking a fresh dinner every evening when you feel like you "should", or feeling like your cleaner doesn't do as good as job as you would. No one can be a perfect employee, housekeeper, mother, cook, etc., and still get enough sleep/have time to eat/have time to do things for oneself/etc. Pick the things you find most important and focus on them; pay someone to do the other things, even if they won't be as well done as you can do them. Hire cleaners to come in 1 or 2 days' week. Buy ready made food, or prep several meals on the weekend to warm up during the week. Etc.

[auntieannie]

agreed with many. day help several times a week, slow cooker or other such gadgets or cook in batches and reheat as needed (+ fresh salad or something)

[kuskiwi]

Difficult though in the heat of Singapore to get enthusiastic about casseroles or roasts as regular meals.

[rikita]

like the others said - maybe someone just coming by for a few hours a few times a week would work better, if that is an option. if i could afford it, i'd be glad if someone came even just once a week to to do dishes and laundry ... as it is, my strategy is to just live with the mess (and there is a lot of that here) ... and for dinner, easy things, like scrambed eggs and bread, or pasta and tomato sauce, and some cucumber slices or tomatoes or similar (and also unhealthy take away or prepared meals more often than is good, probably). what are the things that cost you most time?

[lumi]

Thank you for all of your replies, I really do appreciate them. It is difficult to keep things in perspective when chatting to my colleagues here (I don't really have any friends left in the country to chat to) as they all have helper's and it seems to be going pretty well for them. I am certainly envious when I see the delicious lunches they bring (prepared by their helper's) and hear about all the leisure activities they easily have time for when I struggle to even do the basics each day. But perhaps it all comes down to a personality difference - I am extremely uncomfortable with confrontation and discussing negative topics, so get very stressed when needing to give (constructive) negative feedback to a helper. My colleagues seem OK to just say what they want and ensure they get it, and have no guilt about firing someone if they don't meet their standards.

If it were to go well, I can deal with the discomfort of having someone live in my home. But if it doesn't go smoothly, it gets stressful for me. And as I work full time, I don't have the capacity to supervise and ensure things are done to my liking on a daily basis to ensure a smooth start.

It is not easy or cheap to hire a local cleaner to come daily or once or twice a week. Cleaning is seen as a lower level job that is outsourced to foreign workers, and the rare local who is willing to do the job charges even more than the cleaning agencies for their hourly rate. So a couple of hours once a week can end up costing the same as a full time live in helper who works 12+ hours a day (though we never asked more than a few hours a day of work from our previous helper). Agencies have a habit of sending different people each time (they are foreign staff employed legally for the agency, so OK for them to live out and work at multiple addresses each week) despite some guaranteeing you will get the same person each time. So you end up having to show them where everything is each time and how you like things done (for example, in Asia it is common to spray the entire bathroom with water, walls, floors the lot, and just leave it all wet - and that's considered cleaning the bathroom which doesn't meet my expectation so I need to teach my way). I personally haven't engaged an agency before so I suppose I could try my lick with it as I don't have to commit for more then a month...

Will add more comments in a while. Need to get off line for a while...

[Scrubb]

Apr 27, 2024 23:16:57 GMT 2 kuskiwi said:

Difficult though in the heat of Singapore to get enthusiastic about casseroles or roasts as regular meals.

Very true.

Maybe things like a big tub of lentil salad, and another of mixed bean salad, and another of marinated vegetable salad... cold, nutritious, tasty salads, alternating over the week? Maybe with a roast chicken to make sandwiches or just eat cold?

Hopefully there's SOMETHING that could be prepped on a weekend, and still tasty and interesting during the week?

The ideal would be having a friend recommend a live in helper who is really good. Maybe if lumi knows someone who is moving, and has a good helper to recommend?

[slowcoach]

Just a passing thought.

Much of this seems to be about management, mainly of helpers, agencies, etc, couldn't Mr L pick up a lot of this grief.

I realise that he is away some/much/most of the time but I cannot see that as being insuperable.

BTB when he is away, is he catered for and accommodated or does he have to keep hose for himself?

[lumi]

Apr 29, 2024 7:48:24 GMT 2 slowcoach said:

Just a passing thought.

Much of this seems to be about management, mainly of helpers, agencies, etc, couldn't Mr L pick up a lot of this grief.

I realise that he is away some/much/most of the time but I cannot see that as being insuperable.

BTB when he is away, is he catered for and accommodated or does he have to keep hose for himself?

Part of the problem with managing our previous helper was that my husband agreed one thing with me and then went and did the opposite. For example, we offered our helper a monthly bonus based on her performance (my idea to try and motivate her). Even when she was performing so badly that we spoke to her about the bare minimum improvements we needed if we were to renew her contract, Mr Lumi paid the bonus with her monthly salary. She also severely damaged the polished wooden floor in her bedroom of our previous house and made it even worse by trying to fix it. She didn't tell us and we only came to know of it on the day we moved out when we entered her room to check for any remaining boxes the removalists had missed. Mr Lumi and I had agreed that we wouldn't pay the bonus that month as she then cost us $600 loss on our rental deposit (would have been more but we fiercely debated the landlords initial deduction) and, had she told us about the damage, we could have fixed it ourselves for a lot less money.

To answer your question, Mr Lumi is catered for when he is away. He stays in 5 star hotels and all meals are paid for. He does work in the evenings and have business dinners too, which I know can be hard, but in my opinion not as hard as being in my position where I am still on call throughout the night if our son is sick or wakes early.

[lumi]

Apr 29, 2024 0:27:22 GMT 2 Scrubb said:

Apr 27, 2024 23:16:57 GMT 2 kuskiwi said:

Difficult though in the heat of Singapore to get enthusiastic about casseroles or roasts as regular meals.

Very true.

Maybe things like a big tub of lentil salad, and another of mixed bean salad, and another of marinated vegetable salad... cold, nutritious, tasty salads, alternating over the week? Maybe with a roast chicken to make sandwiches or just eat cold?

Hopefully there's SOMETHING that could be prepped on a weekend, and still tasty and interesting during the week?

The ideal would be having a friend recommend a live in helper who is really good. Maybe if lumi knows someone who is moving, and has a good helper to recommend?

You're right, there are some things we could Prep on the weekend that would last til perhaps Wednesday. Need to be desirable to my 6 year old too. Our fridge also isn't the biggest but with careful packing, we can make it work.

We do actually do this but it is always the same stuff - bolagnese pasta sauce, chopped chicken breast and capsicum for quesidilla, and a pack of goulash soup. Suppose I just need some new, fresh ideas. But also, it is a bit tiring on the weekend and spending a couple of hours preparing food is a drag when all I want is a moment to sit down.

It isn't so common here to buy precut/pre washed vegetables to make cooking easier. Or the nice salads like you get in Australian supermarkets. Or even the roast chickens - not so common here though the fancy supermarket near my house has them, I think, but they are quite small so a lot of work picking the meat off.

[Voy]

A couple of nights a week, why not grab Lumi-Jr and go to a street market - tasting all the different things as you check the stalls out? Yummy ! cheap and fun !

[tzarine]

lumi
voys idea is brilliant!

[lumi]

There aren't any Hawker foods places near my house but the main reason I wouldn't do that is that the food at hawkers here is all deep dried out cooked in a lot of oil with loads of salt and sugar and generally no vegetables. It is quite unhealthy and they are hot, sweaty places.

I could take little Lumi out for dinner a few nights a week but by the ti.e we leave school (I can't leave at dismissal time, I have to start back and work to 4pm) and then order and eat dinnet, he doesn't really get any play time before his 7pm bed time. I am also a bit cautious about eating out these days after seeming to develop an unknown food intolerance.

Sorry to sound like I am dismissing suggestions, it sometimes isn't the same lifestyle and setup here as it is in other countries.

I did try to buy my son lunch from the school Cafe and that went well only for 3 times. He now says he doesn't like the food and prefers me to make him Vegemite sandwiches every day still. It all takes time but at least he has simple taste si I shouldn't complain really.

[OnlyMark]

"Or even the roast chickens - not so common here though the fancy supermarket near my house has them, I think, but they are quite small so a lot of work picking the meat off."
That's what you have a 6 year old for. He's old enough to help.
From the age of four onwards I got our three involved in the kitchen. Yes, at first it was hard work to monitor the three but then I swapped to having just one helping turn and turn about. They started with the simple things - like picking chicken off the bones - and that was when I didn't give it to them on the bone anyway as part of the meal and they could pick it off as they ate it.
There are lots of things kids can do in a kitchen - also a husband.
If he gets waited on hand and foot whilst away he can sure pull a bit of weight when he is home.
He may argue you don't have a full time job as well (plus having to do work at home for it at times) - well, hang on a minute - you do. So?

He doesn't seem to want to get involved in anything domestic and will take the easy way out, like paying the bonus anyway, to avoid conflict and effort.
You don't manage conflict either but when he gets home complaining the hotel towels were too rough or the bathroom mirror kept steaming up because it wasn't heated - tell him his home isn't a hotel either and he has to contribute (unless you feel he is doing enough anyway but that's up to you and your marriage. It's none of our business).
A fairly radical thought is maybe he could also help doing some cleaning at the weekend or when he is home - such as laundry washing and drying. Even, god forbid, helping you prep food for you and your lad as a self-less activity for when he isn't there.
Give him, like with kids, easy stuff to start off with because he is male and maybe not used to it. At least you could trust him with a sharp knife. Possibly.

I don't like conflict either and I'm far softer than Mrs M, but not approaching it at times I gladly do because otherwise it means the other person always gets what they want, never you, and a person gets overwhelmed and depressed because nothing ever goes their way, no matter how reasonable it is.
One good thing is you don't equate a business dinner with looking after a fractious and ill kid, and sometimes through the night when they keep waking up.
Opinion over.

[sophie]

Mark wrote what I was thinking!!

[OnlyMark]

.....and see how a role reversal goes down. Next time he has a couple of days off go and book yourself into a five star hotel and leave him to prep the food, cooking for him and your son, do the tidying up, cleaning, clothes washing and ironing, looking after your lad etc. Give him the excuse you have lesson plans to do, Zoom meetings with parents and a couple of business dinners with some of the staff.
I presume you used to or still do iron all his shirts? No? Never? Or does he get everything dry cleaned?
He cleans his owns shoes though........ I hope.

I just have a bee in my bonnet about men who don't contribute or contribute little in a relationship when both have full time jobs. Always have had.
Even if one is away often, that one should, when returning take on relatively more than their share for a while to give the main house person a reduced workload and make up the deficit.
Full time jobs are full time jobs, especially teaching though many don't think so, and if only one person is looking after the family, the home stuff and organisation then the other one needs a short sharp shock to remind them they are in this together.

I appreciate there are things he can't do because he isn't physically there but that isn't everything that has to be done, but he's not away all the time and when he is at home, and be honest with yourself, again it's none of our business but you do seem the be getting overwhelmed, but answer to yourself, what does he do for the family regarding home life other than work? I hope more than it appears upon reading your posts. I may be getting the wrong end of the stick.

I've certainly said enough now.

[ninchursanga]

Apr 29, 2024 16:39:51 GMT 2 OnlyMark said:

"Or even the roast chickens - not so common here though the fancy supermarket near my house has them, I think, but they are quite small so a lot of work picking the meat off."
That's what you have a 6 year old for. He's old enough to help.
From the age of four onwards I got our three involved in the kitchen. Yes, at first it was hard work to monitor the three but then I swapped to having just one helping turn and turn about. They started with the simple things - like picking chicken off the bones - and that was when I didn't give it to them on the bone anyway as part of the meal and they could pick it off as they ate it.
There are lots of things kids can do in a kitchen - also a husband.
If he gets waited on hand and foot whilst away he can sure pull a bit of weight when he is home.
He may argue you don't have a full time job as well (plus having to do work at home for it at times) - well, hang on a minute - you do. So?

He doesn't seem to want to get involved in anything domestic and will take the easy way out, like paying the bonus anyway, to avoid conflict and effort.
You don't manage conflict either but when he gets home complaining the hotel towels were too rough or the bathroom mirror kept steaming up because it wasn't heated - tell him his home isn't a hotel either and he has to contribute (unless you feel he is doing enough anyway but that's up to you and your marriage. It's none of our business).
A fairly radical thought is maybe he could also help doing some cleaning at the weekend or when he is home - such as laundry washing and drying. Even, god forbid, helping you prep food for you and your lad as a self-less activity for when he isn't there.
Give him, like with kids, easy stuff to start off with because he is male and maybe not used to it. At least you could trust him with a sharp knife. Possibly.

I don't like conflict either and I'm far softer than Mrs M, but not approaching it at times I gladly do because otherwise it means the other person always gets what they want, never you, and a person gets overwhelmed and depressed because nothing ever goes their way, no matter how reasonable it is.
One good thing is you don't equate a business dinner with looking after a fractious and ill kid, and sometimes through the night when they keep waking up.
Opinion over.

I was trying to come up with a well-phrased answer but then there- Mark said it all.
Really, I could not agree more.

From reading over the years my ongoing impression is that there is someone in the household who does not really chip in. It always sound like he travels and works a lot and hence cannot do anything at home. While you have a job and run the household.
From a woman's perspective I can only tell you that what worked wonders for my well-being was demanding that my partner does his share.
Also at the workplace or when it comes to conflicts, I was a woman who had to learn to speak up and learn to deal with confrontation - still learning!
But it is very liberating to speak your mind instead of keeping it all inside.

As for the live-in maid question:
Personally I'd feel like half a slave holder would someone live-in and work 12-hour shifts for me. I'd be fine with paying the same amount and just have a cleaner coming over. Right now you are tired and over worked which may make you tend to focus on the difficult side of finding someone. But even where you live, with a bit of persistence you might find a regular cleaning lady.

Also, if this is a financial issue you may have to sit down for a hard talk with your husband. What's more important, his job or the well-being of the family? Maybe it's time for him to find different employment in a country that is more liveable for you and where you can have a family life that benefits you.

[ninchursanga]

.....and see how a role reversal goes down. Next time he has a couple of days off go and book yourself into a five star hotel and leave him to prep the food, cooking for him and your son, do the tidying up, cleaning, clothes washing and ironing, looking after your lad etc. Give him the excuse you have lesson plans to do, Zoom meetings with parents and a couple of business dinners with some of the staff.

Lumi, I'd strongly suggest this :-)

[rikita]

also like the idea of you taking a few days off while he does everything, so you get to relax for a little while ... maybe even as a regular thing, like once every two months you get a weekend to yourself. i suppose he gets most evenings off when he travels for work? how long is he gone at a time, and how long is he home at a time, usually?

and i agree, unless you enjoy cooking, using the weekend for food preparation just means even less time you get to relax for a bit. only times i prepare some food for the freezer is if i am cooking something anyway, where a bigger amount doesn't add much more work and then prepare a big amount, part for that day, part for the freezer ... but being from a country where bread is very important, growing up the common dinner was just bread with cheese or salami or whatever (but i guess i wouldn't do it if i lived somewhere where i can only get white bread, for example) ... dinner doesn't have to be warm ...

[OnlyMark]

In Egypt and Jordan I had a bread machine. I could get different types of flour but only white bread in the shops, other than the delicious but not for every meal Arabic bread. It took two minutes to put the ingredients in and I could set it on a timer so it would work overnight and I'd wake up to a loaf of fresh bread. Made the kitchen smell yummy as well.

[kuskiwi]

How reliable is the power for batch cooking and freezing as HK was notorious for being off for hours so we finished up with a gas one so I didn't lose my hard work.

[auntieannie]

hmmm... if power is an issue, I get why batch cooking wouldn't work.

sending you love, lumi. and what the others said.

[ninchursanga]

Even though I do enjoy cooking a lot and my life revolves around what to cook and how...preparing a week's lunch every Sunday became quite a drag.
Getting the right kitchen gadgets was a game changer and I'd never want to be without my Thermomix machine anymore. A friend of mine swears by her Kenwood kitchen machine and imho anything that can chop, churn, mix and knead is a great help.
Also know several people with no access to good quality bread who swear by their bread machine.

For my standard warm weather lunches I make a bunch of different freezable patties that can be eaten cold or easily warmed up. Lentil bread or Annie's savory semolina cake are great as well. It takes some time but once the freezer is stocked life gets more convenient. Then the kitchen machine chops & mixes a huge bowl of salad that can be kept in the fridge for a few days.
My sacrifice is that I eat the same thing a few days in a row, but I prefer that over having to cook when I get back from work at 7pm.

[auntieannie]

super practical advice, nin.

[sophie]

That Thermomix machine is amazing! Lumi, look into that as a possible helper in the kitchen. It goes everything but the shopping and the dish washing!